My favorite kind of thinking in the whole wide world is wishful thinking.
Wishful Thinking- (n.) “Thinking in which what one wishes were the case is believed to be real or likely to become real.”
This is by and by my favorite way of viewing the world. Having a strength for thinking towards the future. I absolutely adore dreaming and scheming things that are larger, vaster, and far more incredible than I can ever imagine. I love it because in 10 minutes I can dream up an entire life and an entire plan for how things will turn out and after those 10 minutes I can still open another tab in my mind and make another map. There is nothing set in stone and there is nothing harmful about dreaming of these things. Not now at least. When I incorporate other people in the dream or map is when life gets a little stressful. I place expectations on those people to fulfill the future I have proposed.
And that is simply NOT fair.
So I stopped placing other people in my world in a futuristic sense. I stopped getting attached. I stopped hoping and expecting people to stick around and I barely include those around me in the next 6 months of my plan much less any longer than that. I transitioned my burdening future and being let down by those who could not fulfill my plan for simply leaving people off the map all together.
And that is simply NOT fair.
And I regret pushing people away from me in that way so very, very much. I regret spending the last year not getting attached. Because I got attached once and I lost a few people back to back and I let that influence how I forever saw people and let them in my world. A handful of people changed the way I view everyone. All because 1 person died, 1 person just walked away, and 1 person handed me all their burdens and hated me when I couldn’t bear the load that I was never intended.
Truth is, it is a hard experience loving people long-term. It is a hard experience allowing people to see you one way and letting them stick out the season when you decide to change. It is so hard to let people watch me grow. Because honestly when I get the desire to grow or change in one way or another then I usually end up wanting to just cut out the people in my current life. Because I feel like those people influence me in a negative way or another. And that just simply isn’t right.
Granted in the past I did have a tendency to choose friends that were projects and people I could “fix”. Those people often did need to move away from my life after I had helped them (or caused them more damage depending on the situation.) But I stopped picking projects last year. I stopped following a conversation with Mr. G ironically. He spent 2 months coaching me through what real friend is and how we are called to help people, but also called to have friends who feed into us and we feed into them. So I stopped taking on projects. But I am still purging friendships. I am still trying to push people out and push people to change.
I often use this metaphor to describe my relationship with others. My friend and I entered a room when we decided to be friends. The room has four walls and it is fully furnished. The room is happy and bright and the walls are covered with the story of our friendship. There are photos and small intimate details that make up the inner workings of our relational hearts. It is a happy place for me to be. It is. But there is also a door in one of the walls and that is the door that we used as we came into the friendship room. The door blends in to the fabrics of the wall and only the knob sticks out. As we get settled in our friendship I worry that my friend might want to leave the room and that if they DO decide to leave then they may not remember where the door is. So I subtly open the door- Just a crack- and point it out to the friend.
“Yo, the door is open if you ever wanted to leave. Ya know, if you ever decided you didn’t want to be here then that is where the door is. You might have forgotten about the door so I wanted you to know where it is so you can use it. You know if you decide to LEAVE. Cool. I’ll just leave it cracked.”
And that is the most hurtful thing you can do to a person. Because truth is, we all know where the door is. We can all see the knob, but sometimes we choose not to use the door because sometimes we don’t want to go anywhere.
So part of my journey is going to be spent learning how to not magnify the door in the room, but to learn to look at the decorations, the tapestry of our relationship, the decor of our intricately woven friendship and thank the Lord for a room to find rest in. And not give another thought to where the dadgum door is.
Day 3 down only 1332 more to go!